July 17th AM

I loaded up my bike to head down to Red Wing this morning. I was scheduled to interview Roger Smith, a retired Crane Operator. It was hot and muggy. It was difficult for me to keep my leather jacket on because I could feel my skin sticking to the fabric that lined the coat. The sky was grey with scattered breaks in the clouds, which allowed the sun to shine through every now and than.

I had to back track for a few turns, but eventually I parked my bike in the driveway of Roger’s home. I knocked, and Roger’s wife, Joyce answered the door. I waited a little while for Roger to come home. While waiting, Joyce told me that it was the one-year anniversary of their son’s death. I felt my stomach turn and wondered why I was in their home to do an interview about fear on such a day. I was anxious and unsure about how such an arrangement had occurred. I decided to trust the circumstances. Roger arrived.

We met and sat down at the kitchen table. Joyce was wandering around the house getting ready for the morning while Roger and I talked. I set up the microphone and began the interview. Roger was ready, seemed completely engaging and open. I began with the same question I ask everyone… “So when you heard about this project and the question I am traveling around the state of Minnesota to ask everyone about a time in your life when you’ve faced fear and changed your life, what particular story comes to mind for you?” Roger looked at me and from across the kitchen table said, “None. I’ve never been afraid.”

Inside I wondered how does someone agree to an interview, know the question, tell you he has lots to talk about, make arrangements for you to travel to his home and then tell you he has nothing to say. I thought for a moment. I tried to rearrange the question, thinking maybe I am asking it wrong. For an hour I asked Roger how it is possible that he has never felt fear. I asked had he ever needed to have courage… “No” he answered. I went round and round with questions. Some moments I thought I was chatting with Buddha, other moments I was sure he was not saying something. I struggled back and forth with myself to allow him to define his own answers. I had to believe him. Joyce periodically came into the kitchen, would write something down on a pad of paper, hand it to him and he would read it. Than he would look at her and say that that didn’t really scare him. By the end of the interview I was a little confused, but impressed with the mental capacity to be so removed from attachment to the changes in the world around you, that he didn’t feel fear. In some ways, this is the ideal, right? What Buddhism is all about? Not being attached to life’s changes.

Roger took me downstairs to show me his photos and awards from his days as a Crane Operator building sky scrappers in downtown Minneapolis. He showed me photos of men standing in the mid air on the end of beams, 38 stories high, with nothing attaching them to the building. I listened as he told stories of precision and trust he had to have with the other men on his job. I was taking in fully the experience of being at Roger’s home. I was impressed and confused. I had no idea yet what this experience was teaching me about fear.